Everything You Want
by bananafrappe
Summary: There was a part of her that wanted to refuse this docile, platonic view, however, the part that had given a cry of victory when he had pointedly excluded himself from the category of being her friend… Reality, it called itself, and would sink its claws deep in her heart if she gave it the chance.
1. To Love Without Falling

Everything You Want

* * *

_Yes, hi. It's me again. This is me trying to get myself back in the writing mood; it's hard to concentrate while pregnant and I get distracted easily. I figured that sitting down and writing __**something**__ would help, so here I am. Another ItaSaku story, of a songfic nature, and I hope it's just as much a success as the other… eight or so I've written (I can't remember how many I've done at the moment XD). Rated M, for language and slight violence and yet another attempt at writing a lemon, and it's gonna be a little different this time. I've done AU, I've done canon… I figured I'd try my hand at non-massacre too. Couldn't hurt._

_Disclaimer: While I do own an adorable and incredibly annoying cat, I do not possess Naruto or his compatriots._

_Recommendation: As always, my advice is to listen to this song while reading. It would at least help out with the mood, if you are interested in such things. It's called Everything You Want by Vertical Horizon._

* * *

To Love Without Falling

* * *

_*Somewhere they're speaking,  
it's already coming in.*  
_

Through a twilight darkened room, weighed down by drained waiting and heavy expectation, a clock ticked its way past seconds and minutes in an ever droning monotone. Voices murmured together in much the same manner somewhere out of sight, and every once in a while, there would come the scraping of a chair as someone either rose to their feet to speak or as an orator once again returned to their rest.

There was only one person in the before mentioned room, which was, upon closer inspection, discovered to be a lounge of some degree, provided with the customary rows of uncomfortable hard backed chairs, flickering overhead panel lights, and "welcoming" houseplants hanging or squatting in their respective corners.

This person was the farthest they could get from the closed door in the wall where the constant murmuring seemed to be coming from, their muddy and cracked shinobi sandals propped up on the surface of a low, scrubbed table and one similarly dust caked arm draped indecorously across closed and tired eyes. Their browned, dirty, and unrecognizable hair was scraped back from their forehead unceremoniously, held in place by sweat and smears of what looked suspiciously like blood.

Just looking at this dirtied and fatigued persona would convey the impression that they were a little out of place. What would an obviously battle weary and worn out ninja be doing collapsed in a waiting room, when they should either be at home recovering in the way they best thought possible or reporting on a mission they had most likely just returned from?

There was potential for this person to have merely had a very invigorating session of training with their team as well, but they would still have no need to be in such a place as this.

The answer was a simple one, of course, if you knew where the room this shinobi was residing in was located and what event had just transpired in their day. This particular waiting room was, in fact, the antechamber outside of the village elders' council room, a place where meetings of both great importance and occasional futility were held.

At the moment, not only the council was gathered within the great judgment hall, but the heads of every noble clan in the village as well, along with every high ranked nin that had any reason to be present, along with some who were merely too nosy for their own good.

It could be assumed, from this information, that the person on the verge of fitful and much needed sleep lying as comfortably as possible in the waiting room was in some sort of trouble. Had they done something wrong? Were their actions being judged, their fate decided due to a bad decision or a wrong call in the field?

The answer to that is no. The reason that this particular shinobi had not been released to return to their home was directly related to their dilapidated state, the lateness of the hour, and the seemingly unnecessarily large group of counselors present in the room adjacent; this ninja had taken part in a high level examination that day, one that would change the way their whole lives were set, and the results were being deliberated closely due to conflicting opinions between those who were to make the decision as to whether or not this person would pass on to greater heights or remain as they were.

The ANBU exam, after all, is not some mere trifle, and as it happened, neither was this particular shinobi.

A sigh came from the before silently reposing ninja, the shifting of rough material heralding a position being rearranged. One muddied foot crossed over the other as the shinobi slowly stretched, seemingly giving up on trying to get any rest while they could, and the dusty arm retreated from their eyes as well, the rough knuckled hand coming to rest feebly in their lap alongside their other.

The face that was revealed by this motion was not what one would have expected from the rest of this person's appearance. The clothes they were wearing were largely unisex, betraying little as to the shape of their body or stature in their reclining position, but the overall condition of their body would generally lead many to believe that this before unknown person was male, despite their diminutive stature.

The rounded cheekbones, small nose, full lips, and large and, although weary, utterly recognizable green eyes that were now prominent, however, marked this person as not only very much female, but also as the one and only Haruno Sakura, the single female member of the renowned Team Seven and the former apprentice to the Gondaime Hokage, Senju Tsunade.

Sakura was more than a little out her usual element at the moment, as could be assumed from the general disrepair she found herself in. She was not a particularly prideful creature, no longer taking great measures to make her appearance noteworthy as she did as a younger child, but she was still a woman of no great age, only just having reached her eighteenth year of existence a month previous.

As such, the dirt caked under her fingernails and the utterly unrecognizable mop on top of her head would normally have at least made her self-conscious.

It concerned some part of her that she had no attention to spare for such trivialities.

_*Oh, and it's rising at the back of your mind.*_

Another sigh escaped barely parted lips almost reluctantly, like the near silence surrounding her resented being broken, and both of her feet slipped slowly off the waiting room table to settle on the ground in a parody of solid firmness, the true feebleness of her broken state of mind showing through the trembling of her fingers as they curled into fists and were ground into tired and bruised eye sockets, Sakura's back bowing when she placed her elbows on her knees.

While it was true that the ANBU examination had been a hardship, especially because of the person who had been her opponent for the last section of the test, she knew that she was more than just tired from the fighting and the strategizing and the stress that she had undergone since the moment the sun had risen that morning. It wasn't just her bones that cried out for relief, it wasn't simply her muscles and her nerves and every inch of her battered skin…

It was her reason.

A fine shiver shook Sakura's shoulders as the clock ticked on without care in its place on the wall across from her, her clenched fingers clawing out and digging into her tattered mane tersely.

She had long since convinced herself that this was the path that she wished to take, that sitting here waiting for the results of her test was where she wanted to be at the moment, but she knew better now that she had come to the moment.

On an evening like this, she should have been with friends. She should have been at Ichiriku's, springing for bowl after bowl of ramen and laughing with those who truly understood her. She should have been sitting on a couch watching a horror flick she would never be able to remember the name of after watching, adding her screams to several other girl's and stuffing her face with fattening foods like ice cream and chips and cookies. Instead, she was _here_.

Doubt was gnawing at her, and not for the first or last time.

_*You never could get it,  
unless you were fed it;*_

It was the discomfort and outrage of many that Sakura was currently in the position that she was, as she knew only too well. Any that had any say in the matter had been infuriated that she had signed up for the test, much less been secretly planning for it as long as she surely must have been; the desk that had been sighted flying out of one of the formerly hole-less walls of the upper floor of Hokage tower was witness to this just as much as the very public confrontation she had been forced to suffer through at the hands of her hurt and worried teammates.

They had reason to be concerned, of course; becoming an ANBU operative nearly tripled the likelihood of a ninja's already high mortality, and despite the fact that those that were close to her wanted her to succeed in her life, they also had no desire to see her perish in the way that most of the members of ANBU usually did.

_*Now you're here,  
and you don't know why.*_

They simply could not reason why she would give up something like the career that she had, something that she excelled at, something she was _renowned_ for, so that she could run off on missions too dangerous for anyone's good, disappearing into the ranks of those who earned only anonymity and, eventually, certain death as reward for their services .

It was not like she needed the pay raise. It was not as though she craved the excitement or wanted the additional title she would get. She, truly, aspired to nothing that she would get from this motion, and it was only once she had heard the discomforts of her friends and loved ones that she truly realized it.

She had taken a great and dangerous leap, and she had no idea why.

_*But under skinned knees and the skid marks…*_

Across the room from where Sakura was hunched over herself, lost in thought over what could have possibly possessed her to be here and coming up with nothing as she had been all day, the closed door leading to the council chambers opened enough to allow a short, rotund, bespectacled man to lean out, lank blue hair hanging around his face and framing small, piggish, and close set eyes.

Those eyes quickly found what they were looking for, locking on to Sakura's bent, slumped form in the far corner. He immediately cleared his throat loudly and officiously, impatience and lofty pride coloring his face just as ruddily as his naturally flushed demeanor, and when Sakura glanced up to see what the noise was, the man straightened and looked down his nose at her imperiously (despite the fact that even sitting as she was, Sakura was the taller of the pair).

"The council will see you now," he informed her in a washed-out, nasally tone, one pudgy hand rising to push his glasses up the arch of his sweat beaded nose, and Sakura immediately pushed herself to her feet and crossed the room, brushing silently past the little man as though he weren't even there in her haste to hear the verdict of her testing.

Her brashness was met with an affronted huff by the herald as he was left in the all but metaphorical dust of Sakura's passing, and he quickly shut the door he was still holding and scurried along in the ninja's footsteps as quickly as possible, catching up and passing her with a great deal of difficulty as they walked down the short but well lit hallway between the council chamber and the waiting room the two had just left behind.

Successfully elbowing his way in front of the pink haired nin just as she reached the door that would lead down into the meeting hall, the herald glared over his shoulder at an unaffected and slightly bemused Sakura, silently voicing his displeasure at almost being usurped, before he self-consciously pushed his glassed up his nose again and entered the elder council room, beckoning imperiously behind himself at Sakura as he did so.

Beyond the now opened door was a crowd like the room had never seen before, ninja and commoner mixing together with delegate, high born clansmen, and elder alike in a muddled crowd where conversation was constantly being spit back and forth.

An arched and cobwebbed roof set with timbers of great girth rose over multiple rows of descending seats, the door Sakura and the short man had entered through set behind the topmost row, and at the very bottom of the hall, on a raised platform, was set a table at which a gathering of the most wrinkled of all old people Sakura had ever seen were seated at, most of their heads drooping as they nodded off into sleep.

No one seemed to have noticed the elder's slumber, or the new arrivals to the room, however.

It appeared as though there was a great deal of disagreement being had over some subject among those in the audience, as nearly everyone seemed to be either glaring or looking exasperated while waiting for an answer to something someone seemed to have just announced, but it was not obvious what it was about until a high backed, cushioned chair whizzed across the stairway that led down to the raised platform the elder council sat on, its legs lodging into the plaster of the wall where two other chairs, a not entirely empty sake bottle, and a groaning and unconscious Jiraiya were already imbedded.

"For the seventeenth time, Hyuuga, and with all the respect that you are due, shove your opinion up your pompous ass where it belongs. There is no way in _hell_ that I'm going to let Sakura be a member of ANBU just so that you can negotiate a _**marriage treaty**_ with her because of the higher station it would give her. If you want to marry her off to your brat of a nephew so damn bad, you can propose the exchange without her being in such danger every day," came the due proclamation following the flying stool, and the voice, language, and general volume of said exclamation marked it as coming from none other than the Hokage herself, who was standing irately next to a largely unoccupied section of chairs (three of which were missing) and was glaring accusingly across the room and up five rows at an outraged looking Hyuuga Hiashi, his nostrils flared and his eyes narrowed in return from the offense he had just suffered.

"Of course it would not be _necessary_ for Haruno-san to have the title and station, as she is already well respected and world renowned for her prowess… I am aware of this. I simply wish all of our young ninja to become as successful as they can be, and Haruno-san did very well this day. She deserves to…" Hiashi began in response, his tone even despite the flush he had acquired at obviously being found out in his ploy, but he was interrupted by a scoff from the seventh row of chairs, Uchiha Fugaku's rolled eyes and sarcastic smirk marking him as the purveyor.

"Humble apologies, Hyuuga…" he murmured without an ounce of sincerity in his tone, the smirk remaining glued to his lips even as all the attention of the room drew to him making it more than obvious that he was in no way repentant. "But I am afraid Hokage-sama's admonition is well placed. We all know how the marriage rites in the Hyuuga clan work, and I cannot give my vote to a subject that would be abused in such a way. The loss of Haruno-san to the halls of your house would be a tragedy indeed. However…"

Tsunade's smile had been triumphant up to that point, but now she turned to glare suspiciously at a shrugging Fugaku. "However… _what_?" she snarled through gritted teeth, as though daring him to say anything even resembling a plot to use her former apprentice as a pawn, and in the face of the Hokage's infamous fury the Uchiha clan head's smirk finally wavered, his smugness deflating minutely before he rallied bravely, raising his chin and continuing, sans his former grin.

"_However_, it remains true that Haruno-san did exceptionally in her testing. If I am not mistaken, she broke three records on timing speeds for defeating challenges, and she held her own against my eldest son for three quarters of an hour, in close combat, might I add, before bringing him to a knee in an astonishing display of pure genius and tactical prowess. I must agree with Hyuuga, at least on one note… Haruno Sakura _more_ than deserves a place in the ANBU," he finished with pomp, waving a hand across the room to where his aforementioned oldest son was sitting as though the motion proved a point, and agreeable murmurs echoed throughout the chamber in acknowledgement of the argument.

A shout of protest was let loose not a second later, however, breaking though the knowledge of Uchiha Itachi's reputation with the ease of a needle puncturing a balloon. The cry was quickly followed by a blonde man in a black and orange jumpsuit leaping from his seat in the very back row, an angry finger pointed down at the Uchiha patriarch accusingly.

"Of course she deserves it! We all know how powerful and smart Sakura-chan is! We've seen everything she's done with our own eyes! Who was the one who brought down Sasori, even though he was supposedly immortal? Sakura! Who was the one who singlehandedly ended the war between Wind and Lightning by killing the Raikage, an imposter no one else would have questioned? You better believe it was Sakura! But that's not the point! The ANBU doesn't need another strong ninja. They don't need another genius tactician. The village, though… Konoha needs their best medic, their fiercest ally and their greatest friend! Believe it!"

Many of those present looked between one another in silence following the astonishingly insightful outburst from a usually imperceptive knucklehead. Even a few who had previously supported the side of voting for making Sakura an ANBU were having second thoughts, because what Uzumaki Naruto had said was true; Haruno Sakura was a powerful shinobi, but her loss as a medic and readily available nin would be devastating.

She had done much for the village in her short life and was much beloved by all its peoples.

The men seated beside the now seated Naruto looked pleased with the prospective turnout of their teammate's outburst, the masked Copy Ninja and the youngest son of Uchiha Fugaku sharing a relieved nod while Naruto folded his hands behind his head in triumph, his familiar grin baring his teeth.

The newest member of the infamous team, however, a sallow, skinnier version of the youngest Uchiha who was fiddling a sketching brush between his fingers restlessly, watched those around himself intently, a worried pucker manifesting between his thin eyebrows as though he were worried that the argument was not yet over.

How right Sai was.

Another voice spoke through the diverse muttering, breaking through everyone's thoughts and immediately catching the attention of all that were within hearing range. This voice was immediately recognized and respected, none uttering a sound while this newest speaker made his opinion known and all listening with complete and utter courtesy.

"It is obvious that we cannot come to a decision with so many biased opinions present. We are among Haruno-san's most trusted friends and allies, none of whom want her to suffer harm, as well as embroiled among those who have plans for her advancement, no matter how subtle their influence may be. It can be agreed unanimously that she passed her testing, that she would have a spot among the ANBU's ranks if she wished one, and that all present respect her… perhaps the decision should be left up to her. She has, after all, been present for most of our arguments in her behalf, and can surely draw her own conclusions and make her own judgments," the blasé and poignant tenor of Uchiha Itachi exuded from where the man sat in the third row, his hands folded calmly in his lap and his expression flat despite the gash across his left cheek and the poisonous glares he was getting from not only his father, but his younger brother as well.

Following the Uchiha prodigy's announcement, everyone in the room (besides Itachi himself) turned in complete surprise to see Sakura standing just as she had been upon entering the room five minutes before, frozen in the open doorway at the top of the amphitheater.

Apparently having forgotten that Sakura had been called in beforehand by the head of the council (who was dozing in his seat at the head of the long table on the dais), everyone who had shared their opinions either immediately averted their gazes out of embarrassment over being caught out or simply smirked knowingly, hopeful for their plans, both known and not, to succeed.

Despite herself, and all of her inner desire to resist, Sakura flushed at all of the sudden attention and the seemingly abrupt defense from one of the most prodigious shinobi in the village, though most of her color rose due to the later.

It was not as though she and the Uchiha were strangers; far from it.

His being the older brother of one her teammates made him almost family, and the two treated each other with the upmost sociability and courtesy, both in leisure and in employment. It was well known that the ANBU head captain preferred to keep his own council, however, and hearing him giving his opinion, especially in her behalf, was surprising to say the least.

It would be a lie to say she wasn't pleased by it, though.

Regardless of the shock of the moment, Sakura quickly realized that all those present were waiting for her to take charge as had been suggested by the slightly smug looking but very well-respected Uchiha prodigy (everyone had fallen silent, besides the odd snore from the slumbering elders and the occasional whimper from the obviously ignored Jiraiya still embedded in the far wall, and were eyeing her prone form expectantly), and with a nervous grunt to clear her throat, Sakura bolstered her courage and took the steps forward that would bring her in front of the still simpering and bobbing shorter man that had escorted her in, swallowing to try to dislodge the sudden lump in her throat.

She had never been a good public speaker…

"Uchiha-san speaks correctly… I have heard more than I was obviously intended to," she began slowly, determinately keeping her eyes up and sweeping over the crowd despite the astringent desire she suddenly had to lower them to her feet. "And I'm… truth be told… not entirely surprised at what I have heard. I am used to being used for other's purposes, so the news of the planned continuance of this is not a shock. Neither am I startled that many are against my removal from the regular staffing of the hospital and my erstwhile place among my old comrades, especially that my shishou and my team are foremost among their ranks."

Pointed looks were given to the mentioned and referred to members of her speech, and while some appeared to merely accept her words as compulsory, already seeing where she was going with her oration, others leaned forward in their seats with concerned expressions. What could she be getting at?

Sakura paused for a moment to catch her breath and gather her resolve, eyes still roving the crowd, and despite the unconscious desire her mind had to both avoid and run open armed to the inevitable, her gaze locked with the man that had spoken for her earlier with an almost audible meeting of sterling metal clashing.

Things that she usually desperately tried to keep at bay, things that rose to mind at the oddest of times and in the most unhelpful of situations, things both shameful and irreverent, surged forwards to the forefront of her attentions as she stared back into the flat yet soothing grey eyes of a both familiar and foreign persona, and she barely resisted a flinch of often felt chagrin at the words that teetered on the very edge of the precipice she already stood upon herself…

_Everything you are can be attributed to him._

_*Past the places where you used to learn…*_

Her already stiff body stilled even more, eyes now not simply resting on, but locked with a seemingly soulless but all at once effervescent pair that set at odds the rain thrashed sky and the storm tossed sea.

Why was it only when she was in _his_ presence that the part of her that she so often fervently ignored, the space in her head that claimed outrageous assertions and unattainable hopes, sprang into unfettered life?

It was not the first time she had asked this of herself, and even now it whispered on, pressing its mendacities on the corners of her usually logical mind…

_All of your scars, all of your fame and glory, all of the dreams that you hold dear… they all find their roots in the drawing of him. It is your dearest desire, to be acknowledged... your achievements mean nothing without his sanction._

Perhaps it was the fact that she could see the truth in her conscience's mutterings that drove her so furiously to bury deep its accusations. Could she truly say that she had not wanted the approval of those above her as a struggling academy student, even more so in her race to keep up with her vastly more powerful teammates as a genin? No, but to claim that she had not had a more pointed target in her eyes would be an outright untruth.

Uchiha Itachi had been the point by which she judged her life and abilities since before she could remember.

Even before meeting the genius prodigy, before ever sitting with him nervously at the same tea table or anxiously asking after his well-being following an awkward attempt at healing a scrape on his arm, she had looked after the path he had trod with stars in her eyes. He had been the guiding light in her growth, the reason why she pressed on when things were the hardest.

_He_ would never have given up in the face of adversity. _He_ would have gone to the greatest of lengths to complete a mission, no matter how impossible it seemed.

_He_ would never consent to the answer of being too _weak_.

It was easy to accept that her wants in the ninja world and her desire to ascend to the level of power she held had been because of him. He should be given credit where due, after all… but it was when she had begun to see other influences, when she had realized the reason behind her infatuation with his brother Sasuke, when she had made a decision far too reminiscent of another than herself, when she reacted to a situation far too calmly for her usual temperament… it was then that she realized that she had gone too far in her hero worship.

She could not allow her whole _life_ to be about someone else.

That was the point that she had closed off the desires she had to attain the same level as the Uchiha prodigy. That was why she had gone to Tsunade and asked to become her apprentice instead of approaching her own sensei for help. That was why she had honed her chakra handling skills into the field of medicine instead of a more active and warlike path.

She became a ninja after her own reckoning, a powerful and renowned shinobi as well known for her temper as she was for her kindness. She was her own person, when she returned from her training with, in her opinion, the greatest of the three Saanin.

Yet she had still not been satisfied.

She had known why, after her old team had ambushed her and forced her to join in on a reunion party. She had been happy, for a simple, golden afternoon, to be among old friends and to joke as she had once, when she had been nothing more than a star struck little girl stumbling along in the dark after an unattainable figurehead.

She had been happy to discover that the claim she had once had to loving the dark haired and broody member of her team had long since dissipated, content to be merely indulgent when watching her closest friends comparing new jutsu and arguing as they always had…

It was when the call came for Sasuke to return home, however, a familiar figure springing from the treetops in full ANBU regalia to issue the summons with a sultry voice and a knowing, antagonistic smirk, that Sakura finally realized.

She had not overcome the want to shine in Uchiha Itachi's eyes.

_*You howl and listen,*_

She had been frustrated, to say the least. She had worked herself to the bone, for _three years_, to find herself and be her own person. She had done everything… and still she had achieved nothing regarding what she had tried to escape.

She was no longer the little girl that she once had been, however, and refused to run as she had before. She was braver now, stronger and more stalwart, and even though it was not the Uchiha's fault that she was as pathetic as she was, she would still show him. She was determined to resist the passion with which she had once followed after him, and she would win.

How entirely she had failed.

The years that had passed had not been answered by a ringing in of her own accomplishments, both new and highly accorded, as she had hoped they would. Now that she was a higher ranked nin, a very close friend of the aforementioned's family, and of great demand because of her prowess in the medical field, she not only saw the Uchiha genius more and more often than she had hoped she would, she also attained a semi-unwanted but nonetheless gratifying relationship with the man, an easy acceptance being transmuted between the two due to a mutual desire for intelligent company and a shared respect for the other's skill.

The added contact did nothing good for her resolve or her ability to see her own path. It seemed as though every time she sat at dinner with her teammate and his family, her silent admiration of Sasuke's older brother grew even more. Every time she was called to go on a mission with ANBU Team One, the team that Uchiha Itachi headed as captain, she seemed to talk more and more with the man in more than simply military fashion. Every time she achieved anything, it echoed emptily of the Uchiha's already gold plated footprints.

Perhaps the reason that she was here tonight was more palpable than she had thought.

It was more than obvious, now that she thought about it, why she had, with a quaver in her voice she hadn't been proud of, gone to the elder Uchiha brother for help preparing for the ANBU exams, or even applied for them in the first place. She knew he would keep the training between the two of them, simply out of respect for her wishes (she did not want any of her friends to find out in time to stop her), but she now knew well enough that this had not been the only reason she sought him out.

She had wanted, no, _needed_, to know if he would approve.

He had acquiesced, of course, telling her that as she had the ability and the drive, she had no reason not to do all she could to further her career, and he would help her when he had the time. She had nearly burst with pride at the veiled compliment, promising to do her best so as to not let the man down or waste his time, but it had been with a poisonous and knowing lilt that her mind had taunted her every time she met in secret with the Uchiha, the words of disheartening yet shrewd understanding echoing from every corner of her subconscious…

_Even now, after all this time, you need his influence. Three years, seven years, even twenty could not change this… you are strong because he made it so, and you know it._

It sickened her, to know that it was right. It haunted her dreams and chased after her in hours of peace, when she should have been able to be satisfied with her own accomplishments. The compliments and thanks she received always felt hollow, with the things she thought…

But it was the things that she did not think, the things that she could not seem to force herself to want for herself, that bothered her the most.

As a girl growing up, she had had her fair share of crushes, and as a fully, at least in most ways, matured woman, she understood the desire for intimate companionship with the opposite sex. It was no mystery to her, the things that she would want in a partner, and it made sense, in the logical but underused part of her brain, that the man who she had practically worshiped for as long as she could remember should be the person that filled those requirements.

It seemed, however, that no matter how much she saw, or how easily he impressed or how great of a man he seemed to be… she felt nothing for him but admiration.

This shortcoming was one of her own creation, she was sure. Having been so determined, as a child, to separate herself from him and his influence, she had somehow rewired her brain into seeing him as nothing but an unattainable skyline and a moral reprobate. And there was nothing she could tell herself, nothing she could point out or highlight, that could change her view.

It was with this difficulty that she currently fought.

Sure, she resented the fact that without his guiding light, she would be nothing. She had long since accepted this as an unchangeable truth, however, and bowed her head to it reluctantly. Yet there was an undeniable part of herself that… well… that wanted to be just like every other girl in the village and chase after the Uchiha with hearts in her eyes.

How easy it would be to sigh over a secret picture captured of him while he strolled through the marketplace with his cousin and constant cohort Shisui… how gratifying it would be to have her heart beat ever more rapidly every time he met her eyes. She wanted to feel that way, wanted desperately to know what it would be like to fall for such a virile and powerful man…

She simply couldn't.

Now she stood, looking into eyes that should have made her fall to her knees in awe of their beauty, staring down a man whose level of attraction was unprecedented, and she could still feel nothing more than a stirring of hope that he was proud of how well she had done against him that day.

What was wrong with her, that she could not look on him and feel what she should so easily have felt for such an attractive male?

She did not know.

Instead of wasting more time wondering over her worst inadequacy, Sakura, with a great deal of difficulty, tore her eyes away from the ever taciturn ANBU captain, her verdant eyes dropping, with a feeling of finality, instead onto her toes, embarrassment for staring too long and also for the feebleness of what she could bring herself to bear rising within her chest.

When she spoke, however, her voice showed nothing of the weakness that she felt, merely continuing on from where she had left off as though nothing had transpired.

Truthfully, nothing had… her thoughts never changed enough to affect anything.

"But this action, joining the ranks of the ANBU, was my choice, something I have been working towards for a good part of my life and something I should be allowed to decide on on my own. Being so selfish surprises most of you, I'm sure, as it goes against everything you know about me, not to mention my own nindo, but I don't intend to abandon what I used to do. Even after I accept my place in the ANBU, if they take me, I will remain a medic. I will still have time for my friends, for the hospital, and for the people. And as for the danger… it would be an honor to die for my village while protecting my precious people. That is… that is where I stand."

Not even Jiraiya groaned in the silence that fell in the wake of Sakura's speech. All were struck dumb by the words that had been spoken, though the quiet was not induced completely due to awe. Speechless outrage was plain on the faces of some, and total incredulity was prominent in the eyes of more than one of the present company. Just as many obviously didn't completely know what to make of the situation in the first place, their gazes flickering over their neighbor's expressions nervously, as though hoping fervently for a prod in the right direction.

For most present, however, one thought was dominant in their minds: never before had they heard such a proposition, and it was, at the moment, undecided as to whether the speech had been more brave, or more suicidal.

_*Listen and wait for the echoes of angels  
that won't return.*_

The resounding quiet was ended abruptly by a pair of hands coming together, once, twice, three times, and everyone present (besides the still sleeping members of the counsel) whipped around to look on as, with the most smug and self-satisfied smirk that anyone could ever remember seeing lifting his lips, Uchiha Itachi clapped once more, obviously blithely unaware that he was the only one applauding.

Once it was started there seemed no reason, in lieu of Sakura's words, for more not to join him, despite the differing opinions still raging just beneath the surface of most present's dispositions, and soon the room resounded with the ringing of a dubious ovation, and it took every fiber of Sakura's being not to flush as red as her shirt had been previous to her testing that morning.

It was unsure what would come following the conclusion of the abrupt endorsement, as it was clear that nothing but more cause for turmoil had been raised with Sakura's announcement, but one thing did come from the otherwise pointless noise that had just come to a close: the head of the counsel, considered to be the wisest (and oldest, judging from the beard he sported that drooped all the way to the ground) of the grouping had jerked into waking during the clapping of hands, and was looking around from under drooping eyelids at the crowd surrounding the dais, as if confused as to why they were all there.

When he spoke, however, any wayward thoughts as to the stability of the old man's memory, or why he was the leader of the counsel, disappeared.

"And on that note, this the five hundred and ninety-fourth meeting of the elder counsel, called to order by Lady Senju Tsunade, Gondaime Hokage, on account of the higher appointment of one Haruno Sakura, Jounin shinobi and applicant to the station of ANBU operative, is brought to a close. It is the decision of this counsel (a dubious glance was thrown at his peers, all of whom were slumbering and seemed supremely unconcerned by their surroundings, before the old man continued) to honor the opinion of Uchiha Itachi, ANBU Head Captain, and allow the final verdict of whether or not the applicant be inducted to fall to the applicant herself, since no stable and unbiased grounds could be founded in the hour and a half such was discussed. It is apparent to this counsel that Haruno Sakura has moved for the higher appointment that she was tested for between the times of 0600 and 1930 hours," the elder stated sedately, in a voice that was not quavering, as anyone who had never heard him speak would have expected, but strong and noteworthy.

Turning from where he had been staring down an obviously flabbergasted and livid Tsunade, the elder's milky eyes fell on the faraway figure of Itachi. "Uchiha-san, is it the majority opinion of the ANBU Captain's vote that Haruno Sakura be inducted into your ranks, status Medic, Class 1 and Field Operative, Class 3?" he questioned seriously, and Itachi nodded placidly in return, sitting up straighter in his seat and dropping his smirk.

"Hai, Counsel Head. The vote was unanimous," he replied evenly, his eyes flickering over to glance at his cousin as Shisui released a low pitched but badly hidden chuckle, and the elder nodded in response before turning directly to Sakura, with his left hand bringing a wooden gavel down on the table. "It is decided then, that from this point on, Haruno Sakura will be acknowledged by the title of ANBU. Congratulations, Haruno-san. Meeting adjourned."

The room, which had fallen largely silent while the elder spoke, broke out into slews of disparate and opinionated mutterings, the scraping of chairs as they were pushed back and the stomping of feet as those present either went up or down the stairs ringing through the large room.

Assistants were dispatched to wake the elders from their slumber and take them away to their other duties (or back to an office where they could resume their sleeping), and a few medics drifted over to the wall to make sure that Jiraiya was not going to be permanently injured by his misfortune (the one who had placed him there not numbered among them).

Sakura cared for none of this, however; she was too caught up in the moment of her success. She was an ANBU. Numbered among the most highly trained assassins in the land. To bump shoulders with the greatest ninjas of her age. The pride made her feel as though she was floating, her eyes swimming with grateful and unadultered tears that none but she would ever know about.

But even now, as she had finally achieved the highest of her goals… there seemed to be an emptiness inside, a hollow that called out for something yet to come to pass…

And within her ruminations this day, she knew what would fill it.

_*He's everything you want.*_

Turning from where she had been staring blankly at the now vacant elder's dais, Sakura moved her eyes, wide and beseeching, to where her idol stood with his father in conversation, their heads bent close to one another while all around them, their comrades and associates milled listlessly.

Itachi must have seen her turn, must have, with his unbelievable prowess in the field, felt her eyes on him, because he glanced her way as she stood watching him plaintively, and when their eyes met she gave him a tentative smile, hopeful of acknowledgement as a dog that has performed a trick successfully would look to its master for praise.

The half-smile that he returned, the nod he gave her from across the room and the credit in his eyes as he looked on her, gave her the fulfillment she had been searching for. Stilling the shame in her core and the snide voice that whispered of her inadequacies, she did her best to revel in the silent commendation, but still it spoke, ever the truth but ever unwanted…

_Is there anything you will never need his approval for?_

* * *

_Aaaannnddd that's it for now. I had, originally, been looking at this being a oneshot, but when the word count got past 15,000, and I wasn't even halfway done yet, I had to put my foot down. So now we're gonna be looking at a three-shot. Which sounds weird. But it is what it is. And since we have that covered, go ahead and drop me a line! Tell me what you think! I always appreciate your opinions, and there is nothing I love more than hearing from the readers. Don't be shy! :D As always, thank you for taking the time to read, and I hope you'll give me the same honor again in the next chapter!_


	2. To Feel Without Knowing

_I'm so stoked to get this story rolling. I can't even tell you. Before I lost all my files, I actually had most of the third chapter written, and it was so frickin' beautiful… well, I liked how it turned out. I'm going to have to rewrite it (almost 25,000 words… goddamn it), but I think I'll manage it well enough. For now, let's just get chapter two out, yeah? Okie doke. Warnings from chapter one still apply, minors ye be warned, it's better to listen to the song with the story (Everything You Want by Vertical Horizon)… all that jazz. Now on with the show._

_Disclaimer: No. Just… no._

_Dedication: To Vespas-night, for talking to me and helping me decide._

* * *

To Feel Without Knowing

* * *

_*He's everything you need.*_

"What in hell's name do you think you're _doing_?"

An angry voice calling out far too close to Sakura's ear jerked her from her humbled reminiscence, making her all too aware of the small crowd of displeased men now gathered around her, and she put aside her diseased self-hate for the moment so that she would be capable of defending herself against their clear irritation, turning away from the quickly emptying meeting room to face her old team.

It's not like she hadn't expected this…

"I _think_ I'm getting ready to go home, Sasuke-kun. I've had a pretty hard day: your brother beat the crap out of me, and I'm tired," she sighed wearily, leaning against the back of one of the now vacant seats of the auditorium, and the aforementioned man sneered, looking over to where Itachi had gone back to talking to his father before returning his dirty look to his smaller statured female friend.

"You know what I meant. How could you do this to us? I thought we were your friends," he said sharply, arms folded over his chest immovably, but just as Sakura was opening her mouth to reply, chagrin building powerfully in place in her chest (she felt like her heart was going to burst…) Naruto reached over and smacked Sasuke's closest shoulder, giving him a sideways glare.

"She's allowed to do what she wants, teme; it's her life and we have no right to tell her what she can and can't do. What he means, Sakura-chan, is that we're all a little offended that you didn't come to us to at least tell us you were signing up for this. We've been a team for six years, and we've always done everything together… we could have helped you train!" he accused mournfully, clearly attempting to force her to feel onus for not even mentioning she was interested in a promotion (oh, if they only knew…), but Sakura didn't need any more remorse than she was currently suffering and held up one hand, motioning for silence so she could speak.

"I know perfectly well what kind of "help" you would have offered me, and it wouldn't have helped me be ready for the ANBU exam," she said dryly, and while Sasuke scowled, Naruto muttered vehement denials, and Sai nodded in agreement blithely, Kakashi reached over to put a gloved hand on her shoulder, the worry lines he had been accumulating under his visible eye since he had found out about her entering the exams deeper than she had ever seen them.

She felt a surge of renewed mortification, looking into the sleep deprived, haunted eyes of the man who had risked his life for her more times than she could count; she, Naruto and Sasuke were as good as his own children, and she knew she had hurt him by keeping him out of her circle of trust. He would not have been proud of her if she had come to him, though… he would have wanted to know why she was suddenly showing interest in something that she had never even mentioned before, and she wasn't prepared to reveal her unhealthy obsession with Itachi anytime soon.

"If we had hindered you, it would only be because we care. I was a member of ANBU once, a long time ago, and I remember the difficulty of some of the moral decisions you are going to have to make as one; I know how strong and determined you are, we all do, but taking lives without distinction to right and wrong damages more than just your mind… it takes its toll on your soul as well. None of us ever want to see you hurt that way," he told her quietly, sincerity in his every syllable, and Sakura maintained eye contact for a few more seconds before averting her gaze, shamed by how she had treated not only him, but the rest of her boys as well.

This fixation was getting out of control… it was tearing apart the closest thing she had to family.

"I know, Kaka-sensei… and I'm sorry. I know it won't fix it, and I know _you_ know I'm not going to back out, but I never meant to scare or worry any of you. I just… I just felt like I could do something more with my life. And I won't be doing anything more dangerous than I already do out there, though; I've seen the things required firsthand on the missions I've gone on with Team One, and I'm a pretty low level field operative by my own request. My presence will mostly be as a precaution against the injuries they are almost guaranteed to get; just like with the missions we go on, except I'll be getting paid better than you guys," she excused, forcing herself to grin around her extremity numbing distaste for her deception, and around her, the tension bled out of her old teammates and teacher, the revelation she had given them as to her plans and her insertion of teasing humor bringing them some measure of relief.

"Couldn't you have just taken a pottery class if you wanted something to do?" Sasuke chuckled, an easy smirk replacing his former glower comfortingly (she had never liked it when he was angry with her; she had overcome her crush on the man a long time ago, but she never failed to be more embarrassed when in the face of his ire than anyone else's… and she had an inkling that it had a lot to do with how much he looked like his brother), and Sai made a face, shaking his head swiftly and making his shaggy, ink black hair whip around his faraway eyes.

"_Gods_, no. I tried to teach her last year… it was terrible," he lamented, his mind clearly on the pottery wheel that Sakura had managed to completely destroy through a mixture of ineptitude, confusion, and frustration, and the laughter that Sakura let out at the remembrance of the tragedy both cleared her mind and cheered her, convincing her that maybe, just _maybe_, all of this would turn out for the better.

Of course, feeling optimism in any situation is a sure sign that it is about to go wrong.

"Speaking of teaching…" Kakashi spoke up suddenly, tilting his head and looking to Sakura inquisitively. "Who did you train with for the exam? You were faster and had more endurance than I remember ever seeing you have before, and that last attack… it was pure genius. It must have been orchestrated by someone who knew all of your capabilities and was capable of honing them into perfection," he observed far too acutely, and Sakura, despite the innocence of his query (Kakashi didn't know, he _couldn't_ know… she was always so careful about keeping her idolization in check while in public...), flushed in mortification, spluttering haplessly in response and surely incriminating herself by doing so.

Fortunately, she was saved from any implications by someone speaking up for her. _Un_fortunately, it was the person responsible.

"That would be my doing, Kakashi-san," came the reply from behind the small group of loitering shinobi, the low, amused tenor far too familiar for Sakura to question for even a moment who it was, but she joined her friends in their curiosity anyway as they turned to look on as Itachi stepped up from where he had been ascending the stairs, his father climbing up farther behind him. "Truth be told, she did not require much help, but her boost in speed and stamina from sparring with a Sharingan user was a compliment to her performance that saved her from many traps and injuries. As for her coup de grâce… that was all her own."

He came to rest beside his outraged looking younger brother (sparing a mysterious glance for a suddenly indulgent Kakashi) before turning his eyes to Sakura, another soft half smile forming on his thin lips. Sakura's former flush returned full force, though not for the reason that she would have liked it to (girls blushed when the man they were in love with looked at them so endearingly, this was common knowledge… the source of _her_ embarrassment was not from this, though. Her stupid brain was too worried by what her teammates were going to think of this announcement to bother with trying to be attracted to the man), and she turned her gaze away from his, her throat tight around a breath that she couldn't release.

He was complimenting her very generously, and _still_ nothing… what was the matter with her?

Sasuke wasn't shy about speaking his mind, however, and turned on his brother in indignation, bristling over the information he had just received. "_You_?! Nii-san, how could you let her… no, how could you _help_ her do this? You know better than any of us how dangerous it is to be a part of ANBU; you've been in it for almost ten years! I thought that you cared about her more than that," he snarled, fists clenched at his sides and teeth bared in a grimace of fury, but Itachi merely raised one thin eyebrow over an unimpressed, impassive eye, his smile fading into a flat line.

"I do care, and want nothing more than her safety. I, however, respect her enough to value her wants above my own selfish sensibilities, and agreed to help her despite wanting to deny her. She has a right to move forward in life if she so desires, and I consider it an honor that she came to me for assistance. In addition, you act as though she is unskilled enough to be able to defend herself, along with forgetting that she is to be a member of my own team; she will never be without help should she be in need of it, or lacking in the ability to hold her own. You may want to question your own standards, otouto, before assuming to judge mine," he lectured, his hands sliding into his pockets with finality, but Sasuke was not appeased, only seeming to be further incensed by the subtle insult to the strength of his friendship that he had just suffered.

"I think we both know you had other reasons for wanting to be alone with her, and the last thing you were thinking of was your "sensibilities"," he spat suggestively, great significance in his tone and eyes, and Itachi's expression hardened in response, a clear but furtive threat in his gaze that Sakura missed out on noticing due to her sudden paranoia (what was Sasuke talking about? Was he… was he referring to her obsession? It couldn't be anything else, but how could he know?).

"That's _enough_, Sasuke. You are being petty now, and it demeans you. Sakura-san deserves congratulations for her work today, and if you can't manage that, then go home. She doesn't need you ruining her success with your slighted feelings and bad attitude," he barked sternly, pointing behind them at the ajar door that was lodged handle deep in the wall behind it (Tsunade had stormed out of it first; she was going to be angry with Sakura for some time, she could feel it) as a sign to get smart or get going, and Sasuke gritted his teeth, clearly considering arguing back, but lost out to his reason and nodded in acquiescence, turning back to look at Sakura in reluctant apology.

"Yeah, I am. I'm sorry, Sakura-chan. You did pretty good today, and you will be a great ANBU. No one will be complaining once they see what you can do… or see you in the uniform. Is the female ANBU armor still as form fitting, aniki, or did they finally make it unisex? Not that you'd complain either way…" he left off in an inciting whisper, jabbing an elbow at his older brother's ribs, and Itachi's lips thinned, the caution in his body language still flying over Sakura's head despite the obviousness of its presence.

She was far too preoccupied with her drooping eyelids and trying to keep them open to bother with listening to yet another bout of sibling rivalry between the two men. Sasuke and Itachi fought often, more often than not about trivialities that were arguably good humored, so she wasn't concerned beyond wondering about the uniform problem Sasuke had mentioned (the female sect of ANBU was so small that it made absolutely no sense for the uniforms to be any different, truthfully, but some overly feminine tramp had ruined it all for them about fifty years ago).

"_Sasuke_…" Itachi warned beneath his breath outside of Sakura's own private world, glaring severely at his younger brother, and Sasuke held his hands up in defeat, though the grin stretching his lips upwards made it clear that he wasn't repentant.

"Alright, alright, I'll back off. It's not like it really matters, though; she's not even paying attention," he excused, waving a hand at Sakura's far away expression (even if that idiot woman hadn't whined about how ugly the uniforms were they probably would have been changed; men would be men, after all…), but it was as he said it that the brothers' sire made his appearance, tapping two fingers on his youngest son's shoulder sternly in a gesture for him to move aside.

"That doesn't change the fact that you have no business meddling. I thought I taught you more respect than you're showing your brother and Sakura-chan," he scolded, folding his arms over his chest and raising an eyebrow at Sasuke placidly as he came to stand between Itachi and Sasuke, and the youngest Uchiha scowled unhappily over being double teamed, dropping his eyes to the side in resignation. Fugaku took this as his answer and turned a kinder, softer expression to the introverted girl across from him, shaking his head benevolently.

"You have my congratulations, Sakura-chan. You deserve this commendation to your resume, and I hope to see even more amazing feats from you in the future, whether you remain an ANBU or decide to return to your former work notwithstanding," he acknowledged sincerely, shaking Sakura from her reminiscence abruptly, and she bowed hurriedly, her cheeks flushed in both embarrassment and pleased timidity.

Uchiha Fugaku was renowned for being a hard man, loyal to his family and beliefs before all else, and looked down on most that stood outside his circle of association. Even his appearance gave the illusion of a stern rock face; while it was clear to see where his sons had gotten their good looks, he always carried with him a look of either derision or indifference when not in his family's presence. He supported his sons whole heartedly, loved his wife, and gave his all to the village itself when needed, but upheld the sanctity of his family's solidarity with an iron fist.

He had always been uncommonly compassionate to Sakura despite the fact that she wasn't a member of his family, however; from the moment that Sasuke had introduced her as a member of his genin team both he and his wife had been overjoyed with almost everything that she did. He doted on her without restraint, made it a point to invite her to any occasion worth celebrating, and often went out of his way to ask after her daily life when in her presence.

This had always seemed odd to her, especially with how much Fugaku disliked Naruto and Sai; they were all on the same team, so why should he not treat them the same as he did her? Kakashi had explained it away as being accepted as a sort of adopted daughter when she had asked him; the Uchiha clan leader had always wanted one, but Mikoto had been unable to bear any more children after Sasuke, and as such Fugaku saw Sakura as the daughter he had never had.

"_Fathers are wont to spoiling their daughters, after all,_" Kakashi had told her with a secret smile, rubbing a gloved hand over her head meaningfully as he did.

It made some amount of sense, when she thought about it, and it's not like she didn't appreciate it. Her own parents had passed away almost three years ago, now… Kakashi and the Uchiha clan head's family adopting her as their own child made the sting a little less keen.

"Thank you, Uchiha-san… I won't let you down," she promised fervently, her hands clasped in front of her earnestly when she rose back to her full stature, and Fugaku smiled benignly, letting out a quiet chuckle.

"I don't doubt it," he assured her, nodding along with his reply, and then turned back to Sasuke, leveling a scowl at him. "Now, Sasuke, I believe you have bothered your friend enough. Your mother will have dinner ready; let us return home."

Sasuke quickly went through a cycle of bad temper, eagerness, realization, and outright suspicion, ending with him glaring over his father's shoulder at his placid older brother, his lips turned down in a grimace of thwarted irritation.

"What about Itachi-nii? Kaa-san will want him to be there for dinner too; she always gets mad when he misses meals," he complained, folding his arms stubbornly as though proving he had no intention of moving until Itachi accompanied he and his father home, but Fugaku rolled his eyes and reached out to grab his youngest son's ear, pulling on it demeaningly as he began to walk away.

"I trust Itachi to be able to find his way home on his own; it's _you_ I don't trust. Every time I leave you alone for five minutes I get complaints about you messing around with someone else's daughter," he explained snidely, nodding respectfully to those he was leaving behind as he dragged a protesting Sasuke away ("That's not true, I haven't seen anyone new in months! Aniki's the one that wants to f… _ow_! Otou-san, that _hurts_."), before vanishing through the door leading out of the elder council's audience chamber, though Sasuke's complaints stayed within earshot until they entered the lobby.

Itachi laughed lightly at his brother's plight while Naruto chortled without restraint and Sai let out one of his amused smiles, both of the younger boys following after their captured friend to taunt him, but Kakashi only shook his head and sighed, casting a cursory eye over where Sakura was slumped against the backrest of the chair she had been leaning on only moments before with unfocused, weary eyes, anxiety narrowing his gaze immediately.

"I won't say anything more about this; what's done is done, and I would be last person to want to change your mind. I do want you to go home, though. You look half dead," he instructed firmly, reaching out to steady Sakura when she looked up too sharply and almost lost her balance, but she waved his hand away and regained her balance by grabbing on to the seat behind her, shaking her dizziness and fatigue away with a reassuring smile.

She couldn't show weakness, not when Itachi was still here… he was just fine after fighting her, so she should be fine too. He would expect her to be stronger…

"You're showing your soft side again, Kaka-sensei… don't worry. I'll be just fine," she insisted, giving him a thumbs up despite this being out of character for her (she could barely think straight, but needed to stay firm; she just needed to sit down for a second. As soon as Itachi left…), and Kakashi huffed irately before turning to a once again attentive Itachi expectantly, giving him a significant look.

He understood instantly, whatever that glance had meant propelling him into action (Sakura honestly didn't care; her tongue felt heavy, and her vision was swimming in and out), and that action just so happened to be coming to stand directly beside her, one of his hands rising to grasp her arm when she began to sway in place.

"Kakashi-san is right; you've been fighting since before the sun rose, and you need to rest. They should have pushed this meeting back until tomorrow… you can barely stand," he observed, obvious worry in his tone, and Sakura flushed in surprise, panicked to have him so upset on her account. He shouldn't be concerned about _her_… it was her own shortcomings' fault that she was so tired. She didn't even know how he could stand to touch her; he had better things to do than waste time on someone so… so…

Inadequate.

"Itachi-san, I appreciate your concern, but it's entirely unfounded. I just need to get something to eat, and I'll be fine," she claimed resolutely, trying to tug her arm from his grip with her eyes downcast (the touch of his hand to her upper arm was making her self-conscious, too aware of the fact that she desperately needed a shower and fresh clothes and clean, blood free hair, and she didn't like that. It's not like he would have cared either way, just…), but Itachi was immovable, his fingers only tightening to resist her escape.

"You will have to excuse my frankness, Sakura-san, but _you_ are the one being unreasonable. Your sensei and I are concerned for good reason, and you dismissing that to attempt to save face is not only foolish, but offensive as well. You worked hard and fought bravely; you have _nothing_ to be ashamed of, so stop being prideful and have the grace to accept that you have earned your rest," he stated unsympathetically, his tone harder than she ever remembered it being when he spoke to her, and when she looked up to meet his eyes, taken aback by how he had addressed her, the stern displeasure she saw there cowed her instantaneously, her eyes stinging from forcefully held back tears and her head bowing to him without thought.

She had never felt more ashamed than she did right then, not even when she had been taunted for her weakness by Akasuna no Sasori… he had been her enemy, so it was natural for him to mock her while he stood over her failing body. But to be looked down on by _this_ man, one she admired so ardently and wished for nothing but praise from, to see the disappointment in his eyes and hear the censure in his words, even though she hadn't meant to insult him … it hurt more than any of the injuries she had ever gotten.

She had lived her life thus far trying desperately to measure up to him… letting him down and offending him were the farthest things from her mind.

"I'm sorry… I'm so _sorry_… I never meant it that way, I just… I wanted… you're right. I need to rest. I'll go home," she admitted pleadingly, stumbling over her words in her haste to excuse herself and make Itachi stop looking at her as though she was a complete failure (he had every right to, but she didn't want it, she couldn't take it; not from him), but Itachi pulling her up from her humbled bow by the arm he still held halted her, his admonishing look softening at the edges but no less steady.

"I don't need you to apologize or make excuses to me; I'm not trying to embarrass you. You do, however, need to take care of your health and your body; you'll never get far in ANBU if you don't. More than that though, is the fact that your friends, as well as I, care about your well-being. Don't make our thoughts for nothing," he chided reprovingly, raising his eyebrows slightly in his expectation of acceptance, and Sakura nodded haltingly but firmly, his eyes swimming in tears that she refused to shed. There was no option of going against his wishes; she would do whatever he asked of her without hesitation.

He had never given her any reason not to trust him completely, in her employment and her daily life both, and her lifelong admiration of him only made this behavior more ingrained.

"I understand… I'll try harder," Sakura muttered, letting her gaze drop away from Itachi's in artificed penance (he wouldn't want to know what she thought of him, she had decided that _long_ ago), and he smiled in response, nodding shortly and releasing her arm (it immediately went cold with the removal of his touch, like she was losing the warmth of her whole body).

"Then it is time to get you home. You needn't worry, Kakashi-san; I will walk with her to make sure she gets there," he assured Kakashi as he spoke, as the older man had clearly frowned behind his mask at this announcement, and Sakura nodded mutely in agreement despite her desire to protest (Itachi volunteering to escort her home ground against her receptivity; he was probably just as hungry and weary as she was, not to mention had family waiting on his return, but she was loath to argue with him twice within as many minutes), pushing away from the seat she was leaning on and, with a distracted farewell to Kakashi, walked resignedly to the door leading out of the auditorium.

She was electrically aware of Itachi's presence behind her as she strode down the short hallway, into the sparsely populated lobby (Naruto and Sai waved as she passed by, calling out to have a good night along with one of her old acquaintances, Yamato) and out the glass fronted double doors leading onto the twilight darkened, moon lit streets; she heard every one of his footsteps as though they resonated along with her heart, felt his eyes on her back like they were a physical pressure.

The crisp air, colder than she had anticipated it being, did little to cool the awareness that heated her blood, but she breathed deeply and shook the strange feelings off; she always felt offbeat, tremulous, and even shy when she was alone with him. He had never been indecent, of course; Itachi was almost too polite and courteous for her to bear (she always felt like a caveman when held in comparison to his grace, formality, and etiquette). There was something different about the feeling in the air when it was just him and her, though, something easier and lighter and more meaningful than she could comprehend, and not knowing what it was drove her mad.

There was also one small, surely insignificant detail that changed when they were unaccompanied by anyone else, one that never failed to make her inner demons rear their heads and demand that she see sense…

"Sakura-chan."

_*He's everything inside of you that you wish you could be.*_

Her heart shuddered in her chest, the toe of her sandal catching on the edge of a cobblestone and almost making her lose balance in her distraction, but the man who had called out to her in a soft, low tone was there to stop her from falling, his hands supporting her with both familiarity and respect. Sakura flushed for what felt like the thousandth time that night, righting herself and drawing away from Itachi's careful embrace.

She didn't know why (she couldn't even remember when he had started using the intimate endearment for her), but since the day that he had started to call her by that honorific she hadn't been able to handle herself properly, becoming awkward and incapable of proper speech in return for his allowance. It wasn't like he was going too far by saying it; he knew her well, she was younger than him… he was well within his rights to call her anything short of chibi-chan (and that was only because she wasn't legally a child anymore).

There was no reason to think it was because he…

Sakura shook herself, dismissing the thought before it was even fully formed. His relationship with her was the last thing on his mind when he called her that… he was just being solicitous.

"Yes, Itachi-san?" she asked once she had secured her balance again, drawing a small step farther away from him self-consciously, and Itachi frowned minutely, his hands still extended from catching her.

"You were walking very quickly. You should slow down, considering your fatigue. Walk with me," he insisted, indicating the spot in the road beside him with a concerned but calm look in his eye, and Sakura swallowed heavily, pushing back her former thoughts forcibly before doing as he had bidden and falling into step beside him, her hands shoved deep in her pockets to veil their shaking (the spark that had jumped through his touch to hers when he had caught her was distracting; she could barely think straight).

Sometimes she wished she was as good at hiding her emotions as Itachi was… it would save her a lot of trouble, especially when she was around this man. She was constantly having to take time to compose herself to keep from stuttering when replying to a question, thinking of anything from the lunch menu at Ichiriku's to Gai's new haircut to avoid blushing when paid a compliment… being so nervous around him was a detriment to what she wanted.

Impressing him was on the forefront of her mind at all times, and the frustration she felt over tripping over her own feet in his presence could only be compared to her sad attempts at trying to feel higher emotions than she seemed she could for him.

It was as silent as the village could be around suppertime, the distant clanging of a mess hall's gong sounding over the occasional interjection of passerby's speech and laughter, and Itachi and Sakura walked together in the almost quiet without speaking for a time, Itachi's longer strides shortened for her benefit. The silence was not an uncomfortable one, despite Sakura's inner turmoil (should she say something, maybe apologize for insulting him again? Maybe he didn't want to talk to her at all, was only walking with her through a sense of obligation…), but came to an end when the taller of the two sighed, his eyes lifting to the dawning stars in the sky.

"I must apologize for my brother, Sakura-chan. It is difficult to understand Sasuke's passions, much less predict them, but I know that he meant only to protect you. Losing you, one of his closest and most valued friends, would destroy him. This still does not give him the right to argue against the advancement you worked so hard to achieve, though, and for this I am sorry," he told her quietly as they turned off of the main road, his hands crossed behind his back and his tone contrite, but Sakura dismissed his excuse with a shake of her head, smiling fondly.

"I've known him for long enough to know that he would go as far as he had to to keep me from being hurt; I would do the same for him if I got the chance. I'm not bothered by his attempts at interference or his anger at being foiled in them, and you definitely wouldn't need to apologize for him if I was. You should let him fix his own messes every once in a while," she said laughingly, and Itachi let out a smooth chuckle as well, his gaze dropping from the night sky to Sakura's smile.

"I really don't think he could manage them on his own; I've spoiled him by playing the big brother for too long. I don't know if a dash of reality would hurt or help him at this point," he claimed fretfully, though there was a doting, protective edge to his words that Sakura was all too familiar with (it was a well-known fact that Itachi would kill without question to defend his little brother; he had done it before), and Sakura shrugged one shoulder, twitching her lips to the side skeptically.

"I don't know; getting caught by one of his squeeze's fathers might help him learn to keep his pants up," she mused teasingly, though she blushed at the innuendo (she had never said something like this to Itachi… was it going too far?), and Itachi huffed in agreement, shaking his head over his brother's penchant for sneaking in his girlfriend's windows at night.

"Or at the very least restrain him to one relationship at a time. He seems to be very close to your friend Yamanaka-san, though… perhaps he has seen the light," he considered thoughtfully, stepping around a puddle in the middle of the road, and Sakura smirked, amused all over again that Ino's attempts at wooing the Uchiha playboy had finally paid off and grateful that Itachi had accepted her questionable remark without missing a beat both.

"Maybe; we can hope, at the very least. But what about you, Itachi-san? Sasuke-kun told me that you've been seeing someone. Any chance of disappointing your fangirls and finally settling down?" she asked tentatively, not sure why she had turned the conversation this way (Sasuke had mentioned this fact quite a few times over the past few months, since around the time she had started training for the ANBU exam, actually) but refusing to back down now that she had (she wasn't interested for herself, not really… he would just have less time to share with his friends, and her, once he got married), and Itachi raised his eyebrows, turning to look at her curiously as they walked under a small overhang.

"Did he now? He should really learn to respect other's personal business… but it is true. It is not official yet, as she has been quite busy lately and I did not want to disrupt her work, but I hope soon to make her aware of my intentions. As to marriage… it is a bit soon to predict, but that is what I am aiming for," he informed her easily, his tone softening and lips turning upwards as he spoke of the woman in his affections, and Sakura turned away from his happiness, refusing all thoughts of being jealous before they could take hold.

It had been a long time, almost two years now, since she had known him to be in a relationship; the last that she had heard of had been to the woman he was supposed to marry, a very beautiful girl from his clan named Megumi. Their abrupt, violent breakup had shocked most of the village, and since then Itachi had maintained his solidarity and bachelor status without fail, only smiling and shaking his head when asked if he had any intention of finding another girl to spend his time with.

Sakura had grown accustomed to this, so much so that thinking of another woman being with him and stealing the time he spent with her away was actually making her _angry_. She needed to stop being possessive of someone that did not belong to her; he wasn't an object to be hoarded, or even hers in the first place.

She had no right or reason to be… it would only lead to more personality problems if she was.

"That's wonderful; I'm very happy for you. You really shouldn't wait much longer, though… if she's special enough to draw you in, she surely has more than just you knocking at her door," she joked half-heartedly, smiling with bitter pretense at the stone walkway she was treading, and Itachi eyed her profile interestedly before smirking and looking ahead, nodding politely to a shinobi walking by on the other side of the street who was staring at them openly.

"If I weren't such a covetous man, there definitely would be, but I've made it very clear to the completion that I have spoken for her. I have felt for her for much too long to chance losing her to another. But you are right… I will confess at the first opportune moment," he amended gently, lengthening his stride so he could pull open the gate to the fence in front of them chivalrously, and Sakura smiled at the gesture, stepping in while searching desperately for a different subject to turn to.

Her vices were snarling at her, attempting to force her to think that it was odd that he had neglected mentioning the name of the woman he was interested in, but Sakura was resolute in her thoughts of this simply being his attempt at keeping it a secret until he was accepted by the woman he wanted as his own. There was no reason he would want to tell her about his private affairs.

He had a right to keep his own council.

_*He says all the right things, at exactly the right time…*_

"I wish you luck. More importantly, though, I wish the landlord would install some light posts out here. I can barely see where I'm walking," Sakura lamented, exaggeratedly looking around her feet for anything that might trip her up in the shadowy walkway that lead to a steady line of wooden doors spaced along the front of the apartment complex they had let themselves into, and Itachi smiled as he closed the gate behind himself, looking around at the dimly lit pathway amusedly.

"It must be a nightmare on cloudy nights," he agreed, following after her as she made her way to the only door that had its porch light turned on (she had forgotten to turn it off the night before; oops), and once she was standing underneath it, Sakura turned to face her escort, her nervousness resurfacing from the implications of their situation (a man and a woman standing in front of a door, talking and dawdling entry… well known signs).

She put her selfish thoughts aside immediately when she noticed the long, scabbed over scrape on his cheek, however, gasping and standing on her tiptoes to look more closely at it (much to her displeasure, her height growth had stopped dead at 5'4", and Itachi was almost six feet tall).

The cut had been on the other side of his face from where she had been walking, and she had forgotten about grazing his face with one of her attacks in the wake of her victory and the meeting…

"Oh gods, I completely forgot about the cut! Itachi-san, please let me heal you before you go," she said in a rush, looking distractedly at her hands (they were filthy, but they would have to do), but Itachi shook his head in denial.

"Sakura-chan, it will be fine. I highly doubt it will scar, but even if it does, I wouldn't mind that much. I don't have very many, and Shisui has taken to mocking me for it lately," he claimed, leaning his head back to keep out of her reach, and Sakura scowled as intimidatingly as she could, persisting in her advance.

"Don't even joke about something like that. I would never forgive myself if you got a scar from me," she insisted, looking up at him with a thwarted pout when he blocked her attempt to reach up to his cheek from the side, and Itachi stilled, looking on her sincerity quietly for a moment before lowering his arms and bending down so she could reach him, presenting his injury for her inspection silently.

Pleased but hesitant to touch him (she had touched him before, of course, they had been sparring together for months and had healed him before, but something felt different about this…), Sakura allowed a small trickle of chakra to cover the tip of one finger, thereafter tracing it gently over the raised surface of the kunai slice. It stitched closed into flawless alabaster in her finger's wake, leaving no trace of its presence once she was done, and Sakura drew back only seconds after beginning, shaking off the pale green power on her hand with a pleased grin.

Itachi ran his own hand over his face once he had stood back to his full stature, thereafter looking down on the shorter woman with a appreciative smile.

"Thank you, Sakura-chan. You really should not have wasted your energy on such a small injury, but I am grateful nevertheless. You have gotten much better at this since the last time you needed to heal me, as well as in using your chakra handling in fighting. It is a deadly and powerful combination that few can claim to match," he complimented, and Sakura shook her head at the memory of her twelve year old self clumsily trying to heal the man's arm, managing it only with a great deal of wasted power and fatigue to herself. Even then she had wanted to impress him with a new skill, as a girl just barely starting to grow…

Would this obsession ever end? Maybe it would with his marriage to the woman he clearly loved…

Blinking away her reminiscence, Sakura put up a façade of pride in the compliment, folding her arms over her chest and shrugging when in fact she felt like curling up and begging him to leave, never having felt so pathetic and craven than when thinking of losing him as she surely would when he was wedded. He would want to spend time with his wife, would want to begin work on his own family…

"Not everyone thinks it's so great, believe it or not. My parents used to say that going around smashing things with my bare fists was a thing only a man should do and that I should just stick to healing, so it was kinda clear what their opinion on it was," she said quickly, drowning her depressive thoughts in ruminations of her own past life, then let out a forced laugh, rolling her eyes up to the roof. "They had nothing to say when I started wearing gloves to do it, though… must have been impressed with my innovation. Adds a little touch of feminism to the whole brutish appearance, after all."

Itachi clearly tried to hold it back, but let out a chuckle despite himself, covering his mouth to hide his grin immediately afterwards. His shoulders shook even through his cover, though, and he soon gave it up, laughing quietly but soothingly in the way that only he could before looking back at Sakura with humored eyes, smirking happily.

"Your way of thinking never ceases to interest me, Sakura-chan. I could speak with you all day and never tire of it… but I must desist for your own good. You must go and rest now; training begins at five A.M. sharp, and I expect to see you there on time," he informed her with mock sternness, though his smile gave it away as teasing, before his grin faded into slight apprehension, swallowing audibly and taking a small, precise step closer to her.

"Can we continue this conversation later… over dinner, perhaps?" he asked equably, looking into her eyes unwaveringly, and Sakura's mind clunked to a halt, nothing but firm denial able to be processed in her damaged, refutation riddled brain. That didn't sound like what it did. He hadn't meant it like that. Not interested. Not for her. Impossible.

Or was it?

The unwanted, seemingly logical part of her soul urged her to consider this thought desperately, clawing for purchase in her cold, wasted heart. Was it, perhaps, she he had been speaking of when he had been professing his love? He could feel for her, could have been for a long time, and in her blindness she hadn't seen.

Confused and lost, Sakura cracked an uncertain smile, her eyes unable to meet Itachi's sincere, searching gaze for long enough to find what she needed to there. No, there was no need to hypothesize or fret; there was no way that he meant that he wanted to take her on a… a date. She was thinking too far into it. She shoved the hopeful voice down once more, determined to best it and its fanciful claims.

Delusion was a dangerous state; she had no wish to sample it.

"Sure, Itachi-san. Naruto-kun has been complaining about not eating out with me recently; you could come too," she offered, forcefully keeping her hands apart so they wouldn't clasp together like a nervous schoolgirl's, and Itachi's eyebrows furrowed, tilting his head before smiling slightly, shaking his head negatively.

"As amusing as that would be… I meant just you and me," he emphasized, and Sakura quickly looked down, biting her lip and refusing the prodding of her inner demon, it's chiding both knowing and spiteful. He still didn't mean anything. She had had dinner alone with the male members of her team before, and she knew perfectly well that they weren't interested in her. In this instance, however, Sakura knew she had no choice but to decline; she could barely stand on the same sidewalk and talk to him without losing her head.

Being alone at a table with him would drive the insistence within her mad, and in turn her as well.

_*But he means nothing to you,*_

"I'm sorry, Itachi-san… I just don't know if that would be a good idea," she excused, devastated to have to tell him no about anything, especially something so simple as wanting to spend some time with her as a friend, and Itachi's face closed down for a moment, rejection clear in his hurt eyes. It was gone the moment that her heart began to ache regretfully, though, calm and acceptance overtaking his upset.

"Of course… my apologies. I will leave you in peace," he excused, bowing his head to her in awful, distant formality (he had never seemed as far away as he did now) before turning and beginning to walk away, his back straight and his strides even and defined. Sakura knew she had hurt him despite his smokescreen, though, seeing though the shield he had hastily thrown up around himself, and ran after him, reaching out to catch his arm to keep him from leaving.

"Itachi-san, please don't be sad… I… I just can't think right now. I need some time, but I will. I will have dinner with you," she pleaded in a rush, her fingers digging into his sleeve in her desperation to save her quickly dwindling friendship with the man, and her heart leaped in her chest when Itachi looked down on her with a grateful, encouraged smile, his opposite hand reaching up to cover hers softly.

"You can have all the time you need. I know you are tired… I should have waited to ask until you were feeling better," he apologized, the light, pleased tone to his words giving away his happiness even as he tried to hide it beneath an repentant smile, and Sakura smiled back at him, drawing her hand out from underneath his self-consciously (she was pushing her luck, touching him without permission…).

"Thank you for understanding," she muttered, stepping backwards as a sign that she wished to enter her home (she needed to escape into her own company; she didn't know what was wrong with her today, but the longer she spent alone with him, the more confused she grew), and Itachi nodded, as quick on the uptake as he always was.

"Thank you for accepting. I have been very anxious about this," he told her as raised a hand in farewell, his dark eyes burning in their sincerity and appreciation, and then turned to continue back the way they had come, a spring in his step she had never seen him have before. "Good night, Sakura-chan. It is my hope that you rest well."

Sakura stared after him long after he had closed the wrought iron gate and disappeared into the still young night, blank and empty and cold, before turning and unlocking the door to her small apartment, walking numbly to the bathroom to take a much needed shower. She thought of nothing as she scrubbed dirt, sweat, and blood from her skin, the dark stain of tribulation whirlpooling down the drain like so many forgotten dreams unheeded.

Once clean she donned her most comfortable pair of pajamas and, forgoing food (her empty stomach demanded relief, but also churned uncomfortably; she wouldn't have been able to keep anything down if she even wanted to eat) in favor of flopping bonelessly onto her rumpled bedcovers, and thereafter stared hopelessly up at the spackled ceiling, her eyelids heavy but her mind finally, for the first time since Itachi had asked to have dinner with her, spinning back into action.

She didn't understand any of this.

_*And you don't know why.*_

Sakura knew the intricacies of her own mind well. She was all too familiar with the desire she had to never disappoint the eldest Uchiha brother, his veneration and praise everything to her pride. That she had done so well today, going so far as to be able to claim that she had defeated him in battle, made her heart swell in rapturous acclaim, and Itachi's acknowledgement of that victory made it only more satisfying.

His clear desire to keep their friendship alive even through his personal want for a significant other was the icing on the cake.

There was a part of her that wanted to refuse this docile, platonic view, however, the part that had given a cry of victory when he had pointedly excluded himself from the category of being her friend… it was the same section of her mind that mocked her for her years of silent veneration, her deficiency in being able to feel for the man as she should have. It was there when she felt nothing but shame under the touch of his hand, screaming for reciprocation when she looked away from the kind, gentle weight of his gaze.

Reality, it called itself, and would sink its claws deep in her heart if she gave it the chance.

She would not, though, resisted its pull with everything in her power, because its ideals were nothing more than a wishful dream. Itachi was not interested in her, not in any way beyond being a close acquaintance. He meant nothing by it when he touched her, when he called her by her first name, when he made time in his busy schedule to speak with her… he saw her as he always had, his brother's teammate, and she wouldn't have it any other way.

Feeling respect, and being respected in turn, was all she wanted from him.

_Blind, foolish liar_, reality whispered as Sakura drifted into the slumber of a weary soul, but she pretended not to listen and stole away to a better place where she had a heart undamaged by her own defiant mind, the love of the man she wanted above all others hers for the taking within her dreams.

* * *

_Holy pink lipstick on a dinosaur, Batman, are we even being fucking serious right now? Two weeks, and I've got an update? I don't even know what to do with myself, I'm so happy. It's not as long as most of my others, but I think 8,000 words should be enough to tide you ever for now, yeah? Lol but seriously. I'm really happy with this. Sakura's losing it a little bit, way too lost in her conflicting emotions to see what's so obvious and right in front of her… we shall see how long that lasts, eh? This is actually gonna be a little longer than I thought it would be (I had to split this chapter in two for suspense purposes, cuz I'm mean like that), but it'll turn out alright, I think. Leave me a review, if you please; I am always happy to hear from you guys, no matter if it's positive or negative._

_I actually have something that I would like to ask you guys about this story. I said earlier that I intended there to be a lemon scene at some point, but I don't know if that's what you guys want. I can go both ways at this point, so I'll leave it up to you. When you leave a review, please tell me whether or not I should include something like that in the story._

_I apologize for the shameless review whoring, but I do really need help to make simple decisions like that. So indecisive… anywho! I would like to thank you for reading, as well as waiting ever patiently for updates and other things, and as always, I hope to see you next time._


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